Life. ...Yeah, that.

High School

2010-05-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

High school is no walk in the park. It's not simple. It's not easy. It's not something you can brush off, or do on a whim. It's not middle school. If you fuck up high school, you fuck up your life.

I'm not in a good place right now. I have dreams. And I've had to sacrifice so many of them because I can't accomplish the simplest tasks. Homework is not a choice. Failing tests is not a option. You don't get to do that if you want to succeed. I guess I don't want to succeed, since I'm not doing my homework and I'm failing my tests. D's are still failures. They aren't F's, but they aren't A's. And they aren't B's or C's.

My dream of an academic honor's diploma is gone. It's not happening. I've accepted that and I'm now trying to move on as best as I can with that knowledge. I'm probably not going to be section leader, and I really wish I could say I have some seat of power in Mystiques, but I don't. I'm not in 3PT, and everyone seems to be accomplishing the things that I can't. Except for my brother. But he's in his own mess now.

I suppose now would be the time to cease with this little pity party, but I have a couple more days to wallow in misery before I have to start actually being responsible. I wish I had a role model. I wish I had someone who understood my situation from my perspective and could help me. But there's no manuel for high school. Everybody talks about all that "making friends/staying true to yourself" bullshit. But that's not what I'm struggling with. I know who I am. Apparently not very many people like it. I used to, but now I'm not really liking it either.

So I guess it's time for a life change. They're liars, you know. The hardest part isn't changing, it's sticking to it. But I'll do my best. I have my boyfriend by my side. I hope I'll have others, but at this point I'm not counting on it. If I want to do this it has to be me, because apparently I can't count on anyone to help me make this happen. Mom? Sorry, but your lackluster and hard-headed support is no help to me. I'm sorry you fucked up your first child, but I won't let you do that to me. I'm sorry it took you this long to understand that you were doing something wrong, but I'll try and fix the mistakes you made. Please don't stand in my way.

Everyone else? Fuck you. I'm so tired of drama, and I'm so tired of having to be fake. I don't LIKE people. I don't like being social and I don't like passing friendships and I don't like large groups and I don't like cliques. I don't like people talking during my TV shows and I don't like people interrupting me when I'm reading. I don't like your judgmental looks or the passing glances you give me because you don't think it's worth it to say hi. I know you talk about me behind my back, and I think it's pathetic that you waste your time complaining about me. I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not. Because that's all I've been doing. I've tried to fit into social groups that don't want me there, and I've tried to arrange large group deals. But no one wants me to do it, so I'll stop trying. I'll get over that ache in my stomach at the sight of all the happy photo albums on facebook, and I'll pull my mind away from all the memories from afar. I haven't figured out who I am quite yet, but I know I'm not you, and it's time to start facing that. Whatever my problems are, you don't appreciated them or care about them, so I'll stop trying.

I wish I could go away like Sam and just not see people for a while. Just escape and figure things out and not have to deal with people. That's not going to happen, so I hope I can find a safe place here in this chaos.

I suppose this is done.

p.s. I hate you, Bailey. I just needed to put that out there.

Avatar

2009-12-18T19:12:00.000-08:00

Best. Movie. Ever.
I don't even have the words. I'm practically speechless. The English language does not have the words to describe this movie. Some say it's alright...they're wrong. It's fantastic. amazing. astounding. I cried, so so hard. I...well, I didn't laugh. But I definitely fell in love. Fell in love with the characters, with the world. It was one of the best movies I've ever seen.
Go see it. Love it. Then go see it again.

Quick - Think!

2009-10-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

Aside from the obvious irritation created by my complete lack of ability to cope with most remotely difficult situations, I seem to be functioning fairly well lately. I have a boyfriend of two weeks that I haven't broken up with yet, and - oh shit! no! the thoughts are starting! the NEGATIVITY BEGINS! I thought I had longer! I thought I might survive this! oh no! shit!!! shitdamn! Get your life together! FRICK!

...I can't journal right now. it just won't work. nevermind. good-bye.

<3>

Oh, Homework. How You Evade Completion...

2009-09-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

See, I should be working on my essay right now. I really should. It's due tomorrow. And worth a hundred points. And I've barely started on it. And yet...I can't bring myself to do it. Mostly because I have absolutely NO idea what to write about. The reasons for Dimmsdale to not have died from atropine poisoning and instead due to a guilty conscience and complete fear of becoming an outcast in his Puritan society simply aren't becoming clear to me.
After all, the secret completely eats at him all the time. He can barely do his work, let alone survive day to day without revealing anything. It would surely be common sense for him to go to the doctor - i.e. Chillingworth - who would then give him medicine. Unfortunately, though, medicine in that time period has rarely been known to work, and despite the desperate wishes of Dimmsdale to have the strength to reveal his adultery, it only comes to him in his last breaths of life. "But he fought back the bodily weakness, and still more the faintness of heart, - that was striving for the mastery with him... he tore away the [robe]. ... It was revealed! ... the minister stood, with a flush of triumph in his face, as one who, in the crisis of acutest pain, had won a victory" (Hawthorn 228). Dimmsdale manages to reveal the terrible brand (or wound or rash or whatever it may be) upon his chest.

...But anywho. Drew is about to show up back here s....oops he's here. O.o

2009-08-27T18:48:00.001-07:00

Choose. Make a decision. Prioritize.

These words have haunted me since school began. Parents, teachers, coaches, directors; they've all been telling em to choose.

As if I could.

For those of you that aren't aware of the basics, I'll go ahead and outline everything:

I am currently involved in

Marching Band (Crimson Rage)
Show Choir (Mystiques)
Cross-Country
Advanced Theatre/Soon-to-Be Musical
RAC (Reader's Advisory Club) - presidency

This, plus honors/AP classes, adds up to a lot.

Thus far I've done alright at making all of my commitments equally. I've gone to as many practices as physically possible, and kept up almost completely. Unfortunately, though, I'm not a god. I can't do everything.

That concept (of my imperfection, of sorts) was realized to a deeper level when I, for a time, was forced to give up my RAC presidency due to time constraints. Thankfully I've managed to retain the title for a later period, but still; it was a close call.

Unfortunately I've reached another speed bump: the musical. This year we're doing Guys and Dolls. As you may be aware, I want to be a theatre teacher. This means it's absolutely vital that I have as active a roll as possible in the acting community. My commitment to the choral and theatrical departments is priority, above all else.

Looking at the schedule today, I eventually came to the conclusion that, once again,I must make a choice.

I can only do one thing.

Cross-Country, or Guys and Dolls.

I know what I would choose, if I had to. The musical, without a doubt. Yes, that would mean quitting Cross-Country. Remember, though, that I never meant to join XC in the first place. It was completely on a whim. And even though I don't regret joining - the team has taught me more that I can express - I feel like I'm going to have to prioritize.

And it hurts.

On the first bathroom stall in the XC locker rooms there's a quote on the door. It reads

"It's not about how much you do, but how much love you put into what you do."

-Mother Teresa

This is also something that has repeated itself in my mind. It is a constant, and my mantra. So much of our lives are taken up with achieving our goals. Do, do, do. But what if what you're doing isn't something you love? What if you don't even know why you're doing something?

I do what I do to improve myself. To grow. The flower does not grow seeds needlessly - it has a purpose for what it does, and does it for a purpose.

That is what I must do. I know my purpose. Now I must figure out if what I'm doing is contributing to that purpose, or just holding me back.

So many choices to make.

Ah, the Misadventures of K106

2009-08-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm once again forced to delay the completion of my test due to the fact that the geometry pictures won't appear. Brilliant.

But then again, it gives me time to discuss things with you! Huzzah!

For starters, school is starting.

Terrible, I know. It's just the most tragical thing ever.

Except for the part where I get to see all of my wonderful friends! Granted, I get to see all of my horrid enemies, BUT it all sort of evens out in the end.

Next: Rachael. Ew.

Maddie and her are best friends. It's really extremely sickening. She's a stupid cow, and I hate her. And I don't CARE that my mother told me not to trash people on the internet. I usually don't trash people, but she's definitely the exception to the rule. And if she sees this and wants to come kill me? Well she can try, because I'll effing kick her skinny ass.
It's quite special, because now we're writing more than ever about her stupidness, so it's all good.

I must go now, actually, seeing as I should, you know, do my finals...*cough* yes. Alright, then. Toodles!

In the Testing Room

2009-08-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

As some of you might be aware (and by some of you I mean my one follower, despite the fact that my phrasing implies mulitiple people. Leave me my small wins) I am currently taking my finals for my summer classes. As you might also be aware, these finals are exordinately (is that even a word?) easy. Like, crazily so. More so than the classes themselves.
I just completed my second IOA Personal Evaluation (or whatever the hell they call it) and it was very amusing. This one was for my geometry teacher, and she was completely inept. I decided to go all out sardonic bitch at them, and definitely had fun doing it. I should've gotten the Q/A for you. Simply hilarious.
ooooooh! But I can go back! Here, I'll copy it out for you:

1.
The course was well organized.

The lessons themselves were very well laid out.

2.
The teaching approaches used by the teacher helped me learn the material.

The teacher didn't really contribute much in my learning process. I don't understand the question.

3.
The teacher feedback on my work was timely and helped me learn.

I was forced to wait several days and even call the office at certain points for updates. My mother was quite agitated. Granted, I suppose the teacher was under the assumption that I would email her back once I finished the incomplete assignment, but I was under the impression that she would be on for a large amount of the time - or at least quite frequently - to help me complete my class in a timely manner. I guess we were both mistaken.

4.
I was able to reach my instructor for help if I needed it.

Once again, with the miscommunication. Luckily I managed to retain some intelligence from my 15 years, so I was able to complete most of the course work all by my lonesome.

5.
I would recommend an online course to my friends and family and plan to take another online course if I have the chance or need.

Despite the misfortunes thrust upon me (and my complete lack of motivation for two-thirds of the course time alotted), I always fine online classes quite invigorating. And infinitely easier than the regular classes. Indeed, the repetitive motion of the work we do in class - learning the material then doing mounds of homework on it then relearning again at some other point in time - are quite tiresome and at certain points even cause me to feel seasick. Thank God for online classes in which you have one set of notes, one set of coursework, and one to two tests.

6.
What is the single best aspect of this course?
I believe I just detailed it out in question 10. The simplicity of the course. For further information on my position on the subject please note my answer for this question in my other evaluation, P.E.

7.
What would you like to see changed in this online course?
Once again, I refer you to my other evaluation. Repeating myself is just SO tedious.

8.
Do you have any other comments or suggestions?
Not particularly.

--

I personally thought it was quite brilliant. But maybe that's just me.

Well, I need to go complete my Geometry final now...Eurgh. Lame.

-Sarah

Lies about Lucy Drabble #1

2009-03-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

Whispers. They were always whispering.

Of course she couldn't hear them. Why be bothered with actual noise when you could just stand in the silent torture?

Much to her dismay, no one came to talk to her. That would make it easier. That would give her information.

Unfortunately she was doomed to stay in the dark, never knowing what people were saying. Where were friends when you needed them?

Ben. Again.

2009-03-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, yeah. I decided not to break up with him. *raucous cheers* I know - fabulous.

So what if I don't seem uber excited about it? I mean, it's not THAT big of a deal...goodness.

ummm...yeah. idk I talked to him about the whole flirting thing and he's going to try and stop. it'll be necessary to check up on that every once in a while, but it should be okay...

but yeah, just wanted to give a heads up on that.

Ben

2009-03-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

i. Ben
a. We should just be friends
1. Flirting with Carmen/other girls
- It bothers ME: I can’t take all of the random grabbing people from behind and the winking and the random flirting. I have a tolerance level, but it does not extend that high.
- It bothers CARMEN: Do you know how weird it looks when you stand beside your girlfriend’s best friend instead of by your girlfriend? Really weird.
2. Hygiene issues
- The cologne thing: okay, it’s not THAT big of a deal, but really. Is it that difficult? I don’t think so.
- Teeth: um, gross. ‘nuff said.
- Acne: Have you seen Drew? His pizza-face-ness is NOT pretty. And no, I don’t care whether it will ever get that bad. All I know is that right now it’s gross, at best. So DO something about it! It’s really not that difficult!
- Sleep: I’m kinda tired of calling you in the morning to make sure you’re up. I don’t do it THAT often, but it’s obnoxious that I have to do it at all! And I KNOW you are very stressed and thus stay up super late but really. I manage to get up at six every morning – why can’t you?
3. emotional dependency
- work load: I know you’re super duper stressed with all your work, but it’s getting unhealthy. You need to know when to stop, and you DON’T.
- I can’t keep being used as an emotional crutch. Maybe sometimes, I suppose, but that’s a best friend job; not a girlfriend. At least, not completely.
4. Random other stuff that bothers me
- The random noises you make? They aren’t cute. They’re weird.
- No matter how much we try, the junior-freshman thing is not going to work. I need to hang out/date kids my age. It’s just a fact.
5. Contribution from Niobe?

Twilight is becoming the new generalization...

2009-02-21T21:07:00.001-08:00

Yeah, you know you know what I'm talking about!

"he's such a MIKE"

"she's such a jessica!"

"ewwww he's a tyler"

"omg what an Edward "

Oh, you KNOW what I mean.

so yeah, maybe I have a few of my own.

WHAT??! don't act like it's uncommon!!!

SO. FIRST.

We have our....

Edward.

Guess who?

Oh, you KNOW who.

that's right.

Ben.

((go figure))

And WHY, you may ask, is Ben EDWARD?

well lemme tell you.

Ben is Edward bc Ben has decided to be completely selfless, overthinking, kinda awesome at like everything (except a few things, but hey, he's only human *coughhackdie*), and, oh, maybe just REALLY PALE WITH AWESOME HAIR.

right.

So THEN we must find out the OTHER HALF!!!

Remember, this doesn't actually apply most of the time. but it totally applies RIGHT NOW so i'm going to USE IT, DAMMIT!

My Jacob?

((Yeah, in case you didn't catch that, the next person i'm talking about is Jacob.))

Whoa. go figure.

soooo.....he's....

Chris (Hensel, I mean)

It's crazy shit, man!!! Like, you never would've thought it, but he kinda is. I mean, it's really random and whatnot, but he IS really warm and cuddly (and him being warm-ish was how I realized how this all fit) and he's kinda tall and...well, he generally looks like Jacob, and although he doesn't work with cars, he is in Vet school, so yeah. And he's older than me, not younger, but it's about the same age difference.

AND when we were at csz him and Ben were all like *claim Sarah*. It was amusing. Not necessarily consistant (Ben claimed a lot) but still...enough that it counts.

Okay, so, laugh at me all you want. it's a silly theory, I know. But at the same time, it TOTALLY fits.

OH! ONE LAST THING!

Mike = Mike

*shudder*

((IKR??!))

But yeah. So....there's that little thought...yaaaaay...

okay, have fun now.

Hope you enjoyed my fascinating little spiel there.

ps: ttly sorry for not posting last night; my cpu was being a bitch...ack. :(

~Sarah

Just So You Know

2009-02-19T18:02:00.000-08:00

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcUH3Kdrmi0

...watch it.

I loved it.

It was...meaningful.

Even for Jesse [McCartney].

Hope you like it.

<3

THE LIST

2009-02-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

The List

Yup, that's right, people. I'm officially making a list. You know you want to be on it. Everyone does. Because it's a GOOD list! It's my list of favorite people. Biased, I know, but true. And if I don't keep a list then I'll never be able to remember who I'm currently concentrating my efforts on...

To the list, then!

1. Carmen - Because you are magnificent (<- word of the...month?!) and wonderful and probably won't even be angry that I'm totally taking your color-ing scheme :)

Plus you're the bestest friend ever. I mean, most people would've probably abandoned me by this point - whether due to my lack of smoothness or blatant disregard of anyone else's feelings - but you, saint (or martyr?) that you are, managed to deal with me for long enough to whip me into shape...that's right, Carmen. I'm whipped. Are you proud of yourself? :P

2.Ben - okay, so, maybe not the BEST person for the job, but you people've got to admit that he's awesome...I mean, he's funny, interesting, cute enough to be nice to look at, and generally nice to talk to and hang out with. [insert long-ish paragraph about Ben in which I complain about our teeter-totter relationship...I'll put that in another entry...] He's an amazing friend, and even though he's not quite as awesome as Carmen and is sometimes clingy, I can't help but remember how much fun we have.

3. Chris (Hensel, for those of you who are complete idiots) - He's, like, fantastic... :) I mean, we had MAAAAAJOR issues earlier (bad fight...ack, not going into it!) but now we're all good, except for the part where he's at PURDUE (A.K.A. worst place ever). I mean, I can stand it most of the time (for instance, he's coming home for a visit this weekend) but I am SLIGHTLY worried about when I turn sixteen and it's then legal for us to do "shit"...right. We'll see how THAT goes down...

3.5. Jake - This dude...alright, well, my reader(s) know why he's third(-ish) on my list, but that's not the ONLY reason why he's third. We're not the BEST-est of friends, but from what all I do see of him, I positively love. He's nice, and funny, and a GREAT boyfriend, although not to anyone who deserves it... *cough* Really, though, besides the huge temper issue, he's a great guy, and an awesome friend. ish.

4. Michael - Okay, so, he's steadily lost points since we started being friends...but he's reliable, if nothing else. I mean, who else will agree with me on virtually anything, and go along with my every whim? Um, no one! At least, not both at the same time. So I'll just deal with his freakish clinginess and need for love...somehow...

4.5 Rachael - Oh, rachael...She know I love her...but really, eventually it gets so very tiresome to deal with all her shit all the time. Not to mention the fact that she's COMPLETELY screwing over Jake, whom happens to be tying for third on The List. Not cool. But in the end she's pretty fun to hang out with, and random enough to keep my interest.

5. Maddie - She used to be much higher, but now we're drifting apart, and I'm not happy with how she's treating a lot of the issues in her life. Like Rachael, she refuses to realize that her life actually MATTERS to some people, and that some things are just necessary to deal with! But I still love her, which is why she's still on this list.

Ummm....Wow, I just realized that, except for Carmen, all of the commentary on these were somehow a complaint...that's rather depressing. But oh well. I still love everyone on there, and maybe I'll have some good things to say soon :)

For those of you reading, I apologize for having such a depressing entry for you...I'll do better, I swear!!!

Romeo Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

2009-02-14T21:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so, I can talk about this since the only people reading my blog are...one person...*cough* so yeah.
life, as a whole, isn't too bad. i mean, everyone has their problems...everyone. including me.
mine aren't too bad...but then again, there's this ongoing one...it's not so easy to deal with. and now that i've told someone (you lucky bastard, you...) i feel like everyone should know. but they shouldn't. which makes it THAT much harder!!!
Most people don't like their (best) friend's boyfriend. because it's awkward. and at the same time, most people who DO like their (best) friend's boyfriend don't try to help them along as a couple. it's just insanity! so why do i do it? bc i'm insane. -.-
you know what i did tonight? (tonight being valentine's day) i babysat for six hours, and talked to both my (best) friend and her boyfriend. yup, the one i like. probably one of the most tiresome things ever. like, emotionally draining. one last part of my convo with her consisted of:
"...jake was sweet about it though"
"lol you guys are so cute. :]"
"i dont want anyone else. ever really :)"
"[well i think you're good.]" <-- i don't remember what I wrote there... "im very good. haha" it's SO hard to be supportive of someone when you know that 1. they're completely and totally unhealthy for him, and 2. you like their boyfriend! I feel like I'm rambling too much about this...but yeah. I'm not happy :( so basically, Valentine's Day was a bust....

Is...Well...Out of Conflicts!!!

2009-02-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

Wow.
this is such an odd feeling.
you would think that I would come on a blog to complain about things in my life.
but...
nope.
I don't have anything to say.
well, that's not true.
I could go on a rant about rachael and jake
or I could talk extensively and in great detail about my budding friendship with Ben (which is taking some interesting turns, I must say)
but really there's nothing worth talking about.
Rachael...nah. drugs + weird relationship issues + totally unstable = not fun.
ben...there's too much open ground there! I seriously wouldn't even know where to start! It's SO complicated...and yet so simplistic. or it would be, were I a slightly less psychotic person. but then again, that's why they love me...
carmen...well, we don't have an issue! we're doing great! Fantastic, even. We have projects going, we're communicating, we're working together, and we have even more plans to bond and get back into a groove.
other things...what other things? small blessings? fantastic. home life? ehhh tolerable. new phone? still jailbait. but oh well. nothing new there...
there's always the pending invitation to Purdue this weekend, provided my mother approves. who knows, I might actually get to go! but that's still turbid (<--vocab word! imma beast.) so frankly I don't have much to talk about there either.

so basically I just spent a whole blog entry talking about how I have nothing to talk about.
yaaaaaaay bullshitting!!!

-Sarah
<3

(Don't act like you're not turned on...)

2009-02-10T19:04:00.001-08:00

*sigh*
Chris Evans...
so beautiful...

*cough*
okay, sorry, I had to post it...
he's so yummy...
he's the star of Push, a new movie out. I saw it over the weekend with my buddy Ben (<--he's awesome).
it was amazing
dakota fanny was actually pretty beastly too!
craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy shit, I know.

Fairy

2009-02-09T16:54:00.001-08:00

Your fairy is called Feather Goblinshimmer
She is a bringer of riches and wealth.
She lives in high places where the clouds meet the earth.
She is only seen when the first flowers begin to blossom.
She wears pale blue like the sky. She has gentle green wings like a butterfly.
Get your free fairy name here!

Sarah Dessen

2009-01-24T12:55:00.001-08:00

Now, I know this isn't an actual "blog" because I don't actually "blog" about anything, but today is an exception. I feel the need to tell you all about Sarah Dessen. She is an AMAZING author!!! Seriously, if you haven't read anything by her then you just suck. (except if you're a teenage guy, in which case it's understandable. kind of.)

So far I've read Just Listen and This Lullaby by her, and they were both fantastic. I am a LOT like Remy (This Lullaby) but I totally connected with Annabel (Just Listen). It was sooooo weird, too. I cried at one point because something in the book was so like my life.

I truely believe that her books can change your life. I'm giving Just Listen to Tavy, and I hope she likes it.

I hope you all get the chance to read her work, and take something from it.

-Sarah

2008-10-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

the urge to live
is gone from my soul
I have nothing left
I've lost all control
I'm locked in a cage
I need to be freed
beauty so uncanny
it cannot be seen
by most of the population
they've lost the sensation
of living
and breathing
of seeing
and being
it pays so little
but costs a lot
what would you give
to grab a spot
in the books
in the texts
in the histories
of humanity

the popular vote
has gone to the dogs
I'm a ship at sea
in a social fog
I'm stuck in one place
yet moving all the time
held in slow motion
at the drop of a dime
holding my breath
can't take the suspensel
ife so complete
it don't have to make sense

A Room

2008-10-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

it's getting hot in here
if you know what I mean
blood on the walls
it's a murder scene
catching sight of past horrors
in the darkness and din
the last hollow note
of a monster's sweet hymn
you can hear all the sin
it resounds through the walls
life come and gone
as the dark city calls
the life of the night
is lost in the room
death is all you find here
even that'll be gone soon

Within

2008-10-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

the rain smells like fire
a burning depression
commit to my soul
a sacred obsession
the cult's not enough
satanic - too weak
not powerful enough
for this kind of relief
bordering on insanity
jumping lines
breaking down walls
destroy that which defines
my being, my soul
my lack of true faith
in the world, in the men
that dictate the divine
opression's too heavy
supporesion - not worth it
I try to diffuse
the pressures that surface
I cannot succeed
but I'll try again
to take on the anger
and pain that's within

Timelessness

2008-10-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

time slows itself
on this spacious earth
as it tries to hide
from emotional worth-
(less-ness) of it all
crashes down on me
too much to live
not enough to be
it's all relative
as my mind slows down
but I can't pull back
it's the life I chose
to live with myself
it all comes back
as I crash and burn
it's a cold hard fact
it's not what we wanted
didn't sign up for this
we try so hard
but can't help but miss
because you're always gone
too much to do
never felt so wrong

Top to Bottom

2008-10-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

this strange town
has got me on edge
and you caught me
climbing the way
to freedom
I was on top
but I just can't stop
and think straight
the words are jumbled
falling out of my mind
I'm going to fast
I can't wait this time
to tell you
that I'm leaving you behind

Anymore

2008-10-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

been crying more lately
too much going on
how can I take it
everything's going wrong
there's no way to handle
this mass of misery
just leave me alone
oh why can't you see

I don't need you to tell me
what went wrong
I don't need you to help
me along/with my issues
you're making it worse
but I don't want to fight
this anymore (anymore 3x)

These Dark Streets

2008-10-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

when your eyes search the room
do they find me?l
ost in the gloom
you're all I see
doom and destruction
rule this city
but I'll survive this revolution
if you come with me

gothic days
demons in the night
I won't die here
I'll live and I'll fight

you're running for your life
and I can't catch you
you're tearing yourself apart inside
and I can't save you
it's dark in the city
you can't run away
the light's not so pretty
as you watch the demons play

so you escape with me
from this city called Eden
the golden ones pray
as they stay here bleeding
we cannot save them
or we won't survive
we can't go back
dead or alive

gothic days
bloodshot nights
the fighting must stop
whe'er I live or I die

2008-09-15T19:09:00.001-07:00

life is calm
the moon is a sun
the daylight of the night

September

2008-09-15T19:08:00.001-07:00

the sky is white
blue, and grey
the air is getting cooler
I know that I might
catch a chill
but I still love to be here

2008-09-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes
the lines blur
and then they disapear
the colors dislove
there are no walls
in my chamber of fear
the dark closes in
it pulls me in
and yearns for my ashes
I know I must try
but I cannot win
the battle being fought within

other possible anthem for previous song

2008-09-15T19:06:00.001-07:00

blast it, cast it,
beat it, trash it
don't bother coming back
if you can't take the heat
'cause we're turning up
the temp
and burning a new beat

...

possible anthem for previous post

2008-09-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

burn it out
have some fun
let's go crazy
everyone
if you're tired
go to bed
if you're ready
let's wake the dead!

2008-09-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

new feelings have
sprung up in me
and they're not going away soon
sweet nothings
you whisper in my ear
capture the moment
we are here
life so simplistic
pleasure so divine
oh what I would do
to see you all the time
in my head, on my wall
on a billboard, ten feet tall
a crying shame
you had to leave
but we'll be together
if you believe

carry me places
I've never been
love me forever
for you'll sin
forfeit heaven
death's tomorrow
but we've got today
no time for sorrow
I've got a plan
you'll come with me
to fly so high
and we'll be free

freedom fighters
cross the line
alone is dark
so together we spark
come together
we'll makea scene
light off some crackers
bomb a latrine
caustically happy
perpetual fun
let me know when
the party's begun

no time to sit
bored and waiting
if you're not coming
I might take a beating
my bruised ego
you hurt it so
we're supposed
to have fun
and I want to go

crazies unite
in a world so unfriendly
we'll go for a ride
in your beat-up Bently
I'm almost finished
just one last thing
a short little anthem
for us to sing:

(insert possible anthem-like lyrics)

a fool

2008-09-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

going through the hallways
of this school
I see you looking
like a fool
for me...
I know you see me
I can't pretend
that I don't like you
can't understand how this
could be...

...

"Angry at C" Song

2008-09-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

you always think
that you can do no wrong
but if you couldn't
I wouldn't be singing this song
stop lying to yourself
stop cheating on me
it's bad for you
and worse for me
where is your mind, dear?
'cause I don't know
let me make this clear
that I won't go
(along) with your [stupid lies]
and [silly mistakes]

...

The "E" Song (and not the drug)

2008-09-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

forwards
backwards
upside down
you have got me
spinning 'round
inside my head
and my thoughts are led
to you

I can't get you
off my mind
there you're sitting
wasting time
inside my head
and I know you said

it's true

I like you
I love you (to be)
there with me
I'm lost in the moment
and then I'm free

spinning 'round
the picture's clear
and I just wish
that you were here
with me

spinning off
in new directions
I don't know
where to turn
but there you are
I know you'll catch me
and it's my turn

to tell you

I like you
I love you (to be)
here with me
I'm lost in the moment
and then I'm free

...

2008-09-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

waiting for you
I stand in the halls
the shuffle of bags
heavy footfalls
none are yours
where have you gone
I'm so alone
should've known all along

they warned me about you
I shoulda known
turns out it's all true
and I'm done...

I'm sick of your lies
I'm sick of your cheating
I'm sick of your shit
and not telling me things
I don't know
what you want me to do
but I'm all done
with me and you

Time

2008-09-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

time flies, time lies
time cheats, and time dies
time is a question
and I have no answer
time is a history
and time knows what we were
time is the sunset
time is noon
time is what you have
and I'll have soon
time to regret
and time to think
time to love you
but I'm too weak
I cannot hold out
for time too long
I cannot wait
'cause tomorrow's almost gone

It's Time For An Intervention

2008-09-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

It's time for an intervention
a hiatus from myself
I can't take my shit anymore
put my life up on a shelf
leave it there, in the dust
and go off on my own
find a new place,
buy a new face
and leave my past alone

traveling far, traveling wide,
living life on the road
i'm trying to escape
but can't quite make
these thoughts go away
you're always there
you never leave
my mind is going numb
the wind in my face
puts you back in your place
and I ride 90 with the top down

It's time for an intervention
a hiatus from myself
I can't take my shit anymore
put my life up on a shelf
leave it there, in the dust
and go off on my own
find a new place,
buy a new face
and leave my past alone

i'm getting closer
to my goal
and you still stay away
I shout for my luck
and still I hope
i can make it
before you catch up

...

The Perils of Curiosity

2008-08-30T14:35:00.001-07:00

The Perils of Curiosity
A Tale of Treachery and Woe in the face of Inquisitiveness
By A Fond Reader

To most people, being curious is a good thing. It invokes knowledge and learning, and brightens the soul. In my case, however, curiosity was not a welcome thought, feeling, or reaction. In my case, curiosity was fatal.
My tale began at my simple home in Yorkshire. A townhouse, with creeping vines and a deceptively secretive air about it that would catch my interest on no too few occasions.
It was at this townhouse that I spent my early years; schooling and housework were my main goings-on, at least on the surface. By age ten or so I had learned much of what I could through the menial teachings of a common educator, and my interests wandered elsewhere – mainly onto the subject of the house where I resided.
You see, I was not necessarily a wild child, per say, but I was extremely independent in my own rights. I had no mother to speak of, and any father I had was off doing otherworldly things, of which I clearly was to take no part. This, consequentially, is where I was wrong.
Indeed, I would end up affecting my father’s work very much. Or, rather, my father’s work would end up affecting me in the most unpleasant of ways.
What my father did for a living was at that point (age ten) unknown to me. The most of what I knew about my father came from not-so-well-kept secrets, and whispers in the kitchen; that sort of thing. Although I did not gather many details – and nothing about my mother – his general persona came to be known to me so well that if I passed him on the street I would turn and stare, for his presence, or even absence, was rather unforgettable.
From what they in the servants wing shared, he was a rather wicked man; a wretched soul with sinful goals. He took no part in religion and was rumored to be an atheist, although this was so uncommon at the time that the notion was brushed off as unlikely, and shuffled off for days with less speculation to be discussed.
Many theories went around about his exact occupation – ranging from an accountant who steals from his bank to a spy for MI6 that had betrayed the government for a capital. The only thing that was certain, however, was that he had done something very, very wrong.
--
As mentioned before, I was a very inquisitive child. I explored my residence thoroughly, snooping and eavesdropping all the while. Every once in a while I discovered something I wasn’t supposed to: the stable boy and one of the kitchen maids in a broom closet, some birthday presents hidden away for better times. But in general there wasn’t anything too exciting.
However, one day, there was.
It was a fairly typical day – aside from the fact that Father was coming home in a few days and the servants were in a flurry, all activities proceeded as usual.
I started out with a fairly normal day. Panya, my maid, was late with my breakfast, but that was only to be expected in such a time of frantic restoration. After breakfast I went to lessons. Madame Finnάl kept me caged up in the workbooks for about an hour, by which point I had read through several books and finished that day’s lesson. Finally I was released and I spent the remainder of time between tea (I always brought bread and cheese and jerky on my endeavors so there was no need to stop for lunch) looking for somewhere new to explore, and as the time grew closer to an end, I finally did.
I was in the upper regions of the house, practicing my lock picking – it was a recently acquired skill and I was eager to test my skill – and found a peculiar door. I had seen the door before, and recognized it, (for I knew all the features of my home backwards and forwards) but I had never been able to enter it. The door was rather mysterious, with its dark wood and intricate carvings. I reached for the knob and, as I did, I recalled how it had burned my hand the last time I ventured to try and enter it.
Ah, but what better time to test my skills! I cried silently.
And so I pulled out my tools and examined the lock. It was old and slightly rusted; quite a challenge. I grinned and examined the lock and tools, carefully choosing the correct picks. Finally the right ones came clear to me and I gently inserted them into the lock, maneuvering them through the cogs. A slight sting came from the lock, but I ignored it as the wonderful click emanated from the lock. It seemed to reverberate through the hall, and I glanced back a moment as if to watch it leave.
Then I turned back and stood. My hands were still on the knob, and I turned them. The door swung out slowly, but I noted that not a squeak could be heard. Then I stepped into the dark room.
It was almost pitch black and I could see very little, but I was terrified to go back for a candle in the case that somehow the door would be locked again when I came back, and I would never get this chance again.
I groped along the wall looking for a light. Finally I found a dusty switch and flipped it on whilst shielding my eyes against the sudden brightness. Amazingly, though, the light was very soft and demur, and when I looked for the source I found a lamp with a sort of shade thing on it. How peculiar. I leaned in to examine it.
But there were more interesting things to explore in this room. I explored chests and cabinets filled with obscure objects and dusty texts. The room seemed to be a long, wide hall, filled to the brim with nonsense stuffs, and I wondered at its size. It was quite possibly the most random and complete set of trivial things that I could ever imagine. I explored it thoroughly and animatedly.
Then I reached the end of the hall. There was a door, identical to the one at the beginning of the hall. I paused, unsure about what to do. On one side, it could be a completely different door (the more common sensical reasoning) on the other side, it could be the same door and some kind of trickery was being played out (the less rational, but more likely reasoning). Then I shrugged, not wanting to bother with guesswork and hypothesizes. Walking up to the door charily, I pulled out my lock picks.
My hand shot out, quite entirely of its own accord, and grasped the handle firmly. Slowly, carefully, I twisted it…
And was pulled. Thrust forward. Drawn, heaved, hauled, lugged. By some unseen force I was dragged into the…well, as odd as it may seem, I was drawn through the door handle, if I’m not mistaken. I heard a distinct popping sound, and felt a squished sensation. Then it was over, and I was sitting in the dimly lit room once again.
Except, as I looked around, I saw that it wasn’t quite the same room. Everything, every little detail, was completely backwards. As in, the opposite of the other room. An exact copy, down to the smallest crack on the wall, was here.
I sat down, not knowing what to do. Clearly something happened that was paranormal and quite out of my grasp, and I knew to not attempt any sort of escape. From what I had heard of such things, meddling any further would only hurt severely, not help.
--
I sat there for a while; ages, really, not really doing anything but sit and try not to think. I didn’t know how long I sat there – I still have no idea. But eventually something happened, thank the gods.
I had been sitting there for a long while, not really doing anything but laze about, when the door opened silently (I only knew this because I had been facing the door at the time) and a man walked in. It took me a moment, for I had never actually truly met him before, but then I recognized the man as my father.
Needless to say, I felt no urge to go up and hug him.
“You? What are you doing here?” He asked impatiently, as if he didn’t actually care, but still felt the exacting need to know why I was intruding his space.
“I could ask you the same. I, for one, was exploring.” I said fearlessly. This was not a wise thing to do, apparently, for provoking him only proved to anger him further.
He said nothing to me then, but made a few complicated motions and spoke ominously in some foreign language. It sounded almost like Latin to me, but I couldn’t be sure.
As he spoke and gestured the air in the room warmed and stirred. There was no wind to be spoken of, yet the air seemed to whirl around me. It felt like being wrapped in a warm blanket, yet I took no comfort from the feeling.
His voice rose steadily and I trembled slightly, terrified at not knowing what was going on. I had only come here to explore, yet now I was in a whirlwind of anger and obscurity.
Finally the chanting ended at a crescendo, and I froze when my father did. He smiled suddenly. But it was a grim, satisfied smile. The smile of someone who has just murdered their worst enemy, rather than the sort of satisfied smile of mine earlier.
“Maybe now you have learned your lesson, child. I told you when you were small to never go wandering in this place; you disobeyed me, and now you are being punished. Your curiosity has become your enemy, and dissatisfaction is now your companion. I hope you are happy together.” He cackled once more, and went with a flourish, leaving me to sit on the ground, confused as only a ten-year-old can be.
--
I was stuck there. I have not left that room since that fateful day years and years ago. I have not died, and I have not gone hungry. I have grown old, and I expect to be driven to sleep some day soon. I await it patiently, for I have learned to control my inquisitive and impatient nature in my time here.
I cannot say that my father was right to put me here - what kind of person locks another in an inescapable prison such as this? – but I now understand his reasoning, and I have forgiven him. Even in this desolate place I have learned much, and I spend my days cleaning the room by the soft glowing light.
I have learned since that day that the echo I followed was actually a warning call to its master, and after that lock was undone I had no chance of survival. My fate was sealed, I suppose.
I still have my lock picks. They sit in the corner by the door, waiting for the day when I will be daring enough to try them out once again. That day will not come; I have listened to my message and have heeded the warning.
I will sit here, then, for all days. Not a thing can be done for my situation; don’t try and find me. I was locked in a room in Yorkshire, and that is where I shall stay. And someday, when the world is a better place and men like my father no longer reign free, someone will find me and set my curious spirit free.
What shall I do until that day comes? Why, I shall wait. I shall write my story and I shall wait.
Because no matter how curious you are, no matter how strong your will may be, it can always be broken by someone who has the right tools.

random poem we spouted in french class

2008-08-20T14:20:00.001-07:00

i'm way up high
high in the sky
i fly so high
oh yes, oh yes
i fly
i'm a bird
way up high
and i fly
with my wings
and i sing
my song

I really can't think of a title for this right now...

2008-08-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

i don't have the words
to say what i mean
i cannot describe
what i know or have seen
life is so hard
and it just gets worse
and will be til the day
i break this curse
i just can't beat it
i know that now
you cannot defeat it
not blood nor foul
a life will remain
no matter who dies
the evil's still there
you can see it in your eyes

you can't claim possesion
over what you do not own
and the pain won't go away
'though you scream and you moan

life is not an object
it can't be held or bargained
you cannot trade for what you want
there is no way to win

...

Psychological Pain

2008-08-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

i cry and i cry
as i dance in the rain
i try to be numb
so i can't feel the pain
life is so tedious
trials and tribulations
i'm so sick of the help
and pointless conversation
don't say what's wrong
i don't want to know
just hide it in
the manilla folder
if it's bad don't let it show
let me have my time
here on this sweet earth
let me live my life
and love, for what it's worth

(this doesn't have a title yet)

2008-08-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

dark skies
dreary days
all these deaths
in all these ways
it can't be stopped
it can't be prevented
one of these days
but i'm not dead yet
i'll live my life
in spite of you
and fight you
to my death
'cause i'm not going easy
i won't give up
death is so easy
life is so rough
living hard, living wild
the best way to go
but i'm not gone yet
when i am i'll let you know

What's with the happy???

2008-08-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

what is with
all this happiness and bliss?
it won't go away
and i'm about to get pissed
i write my own work
yet it can't be done
'cause if happy is final
then i'll burn in the sun

Not Quite Love

2008-08-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

you're
stuck in my head
you won't go away
i try some distractions
but still you stay
to laugh on my neck
to whisper in my ear
to kiss away my tears
'cause I wish you were here
how does one say it
when it's not quite love
but it's still an obsession
and it's made of
laughter
tears
favorites
and fears
and the best kind of talk
over a round of beers

we talk all night
and i ask you to stay
i don't want to be alone
and i guess there's a way
to show affection
or what i feel for you
i can't quite describe it
words far and few

i used to be emo
but now i'm on top
and you won't bring me down
the happy won't stop

...

Trapped

2008-08-20T13:32:00.001-07:00

I'm trapped inside these walls
this prison cell
and the only sound
is my tears falling
white as can be
the walls stare down at me
and i stare back
longing for my freedom
i can't say it isn't fair
i can't say i didn't try
i cannot cheat
i cannot lie
you do not trust me
i know this now
i can't say that i blame you

...
(more to come)

A random song I wrote at Freshman Orientation

2008-08-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

complications
surround me
confusion
overwhelms me
old meets
the new
and friends
turn from few
into many
large numbers
as you
meet and greet
the masses

it never ends
this status quo
it never goes away
and so i shall endure
until i get away someday
clearly i have noticed that
no one knows me here
but then this is a new world
and the rules are not yet clear
i'll take a chance and see if
i can make a splash

but i don't think that's
how this works
can you help me out?
i don't know what i'm doing
who i am or where we are
but in this mass
of unknown factors
i must set the bar

if you rise above it
i suppose that we may be
but if you fall beneath it
there's no future
that i can see
help me out this one time
and i will pay you back
it's a deal
a pact, a promise
and i won't take it back

Hate

2008-08-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Hate is a strong word
but the only one i'd use
when describing you
my feelings for you
aren't close to love

I hate you
yet the word
doesn't even come close
I hate you
there's nothing else
to say (but)
I hate you
look what you've done to me
I can't forgive you
and I can't make excuses anymore

I sit in this room
and contemplate my revenge
it's the only thing
I can do anymore

Blow Me Away

2008-08-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

tell me a story
about things I don't know
show me a world
of places we might go
teach me songs about
things I need to hear
when you explain
it's oh, so clear

blow me away
open my eyes
a beautiful image
rainbows and butterflies
clear the rain
part the skies
when i'm with you
everything's alright

Dark Thursdays

2008-08-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

a single tear drop
fell down my cheek
and I wondered
what it was for
i tried to decide
but couldn't think
'cause
the emo was too sore

dark makeup and jet black clothes
got some evanescence blasting
out my windows
stark white walls like a prison cell
what can I do to get out of this hell

Wednesday after marching...

2008-08-04T22:12:00.001-07:00

so, I was crying myself to sleep tonight, and the song Big Girls Don't Cry came on my ipod.
Oh, the irony.
There's so many things that i've done well, but so many more i regret. When will the good outweigh the bad? When will I stop crying because of all the emotional baggage?
When will I stop doubting myself and others?
Or does it never stop?
How can I be optimistic when there's so little hope for a happy ending, when there's so little to be happy for? Sure, I have reasons to be happy. And all my sadness and hatred just seems petulant when I look back on it. But the problem is, that just makes it worse.
I suppose i'll go on...everyone breaks down at some point...right?

hip hop -ish song

2008-08-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

don't worry 'bout me
all alone
don't need no help now
i'm on my own
i'm by myself but
don't let it go
might need some help please
hold the phone

i wanna be independant
won't never stop (baby)
let's have hands on
don't need you all uptight (on me)
don't need no help
i'll be just fine
i'll grab the future ('cause)
it'll be mine

Song Continuation (Cutting Words)

2008-08-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

I can't close my eyes
without seeing your face
i can't draw in a breath
without a smell or a taste
it's bittersweet
this reminding of you
my obsession is always
on my mind

you're like a drug
you know that?
you're not good for me
yet i'm drawn to you -
i can't help but be
screw nicotine patches
give them to someone else
they won't help me now

i've come too far
i'm in too deep
you're too familiar
for me to get relief
so i'm stuck here with you
day in and day out
and you're everywhere
to me

Cutting Words

2008-08-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

the same words
every time
you use the same words
they cut into my skull
and leave scars
my mind is a graveyard
of bruises and wounds
you have inflicted
i have no retaliation
the mental beatings
break me down
every time
i hear the same words
and it hurts

i scream inside my head
but no one can hear me
i'm trapped in my own mind
and you caged me
you cornered me with words
beaten me with
psychological blows
i'm a mouse in your maze
of webs and lies
it's the same every time
so repetative it haunts me
constantly, everywhere
your presence stalks me
the thought of you follows me
and it never changes
it's always there

the same words
every time
you use the same words
they cut into my skull
and leave scars
my mind is a graveyard
of bruises and wounds
you inflicted
i have no retaliation
the mental beatings
break me down
i hear the same words
and it hurts

--

this was actually a full song but then I cut off the last two verses to make another song

No Title - any ideas?

2008-08-04T21:56:00.002-07:00

my mind goes blank
I don't know what to write
you want to help
but it's a fruitless fight
i can't do much
but sit around
you wouldn't expect it
but what i've found
is if you don't try
then you don't suceed
but if you try too hard
you're sad indeed
for too much effort
is a sin in itself
you're lying to your face
and cheating yourself
so if you don't want to try
then why bother
with the questions
if no one wants to answer
for fear of the reactioin

Transparency (random mini poem)

2008-08-04T21:56:00.001-07:00

your failings
your lies
they stick out
like flies
on a sheet
of glass

A bit of old school poem

2008-08-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

does my mood decieve you?
do you think i'm in love?
do you think that i'm happy?
am I clear as the blue
in this bright, pretty sky
you seem to think
that my mood does imply
my feelings right now
my real emotions
that's funny - no really

you're naive to think
that i'd be so blatant
that i'd let myself go
and let my heart be plain
I don't share my secrets
and my pain stays hidden
so what you see now?
that's nothing to be shittin'

So i've got a little ghetto
close to my heart
does that tell you something?
give you a clue or a start
I bet it would surprise you
I grew up in Indy
you've got nothing on me
no, no, continue

i've got style to my name
a little house on the prarie
well i'm european to the bone
try again, but be wary

you'll find much of me
is shrouded in shadows
i don't share my love
my needs or my battles
in case you're wondering now
what i'm really like
too bad, you'll have to guess
try stepping up to the mike

tell me 'bout yourself
tell me what should I see
wehn I look into you personally
when I make a connection
and find common ground
this shit can get tough
so let's make some sound

I guess you don't know
what it's like for us yet
but soon you will learn
and find some regret
in the path that you chose
if you followed your heart
you may find it hard
but in the end you'll be right

Mistakes

2008-07-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

People make mistakes. People make mistakes that are often considered trivial or unimportant. People make mistakes that they view afterwards as stupid or more regretable than others. And people, most of all, make mistakes that cannot be remedied.
Often these are mistakes that hurt a friend, or harm an innocent, or even cause oneself to view themselves differently - for worse, more often than not. And these are the mistakes that we regret the most because they are the ones that - although they may not seem as severe as larger ones in the past - are inflicted harder, and cut deeper.
I have made mistakes like this before. I have cut people, have cut friends and family. I have caused pain to those I love, and through this have caused pain to myself.
Is this pain I have caused myself selfish? Is my pitying myself for this pain arrogant? Is my making a deal out of this pointless or melodramatic?
I don't think so.
Yet when I look back upon the mistakes that I have made, and then back on the sorrows the mistakes have created, I find that my reactions and my actions are foolish and regretable. I find that I do not act in a manner that befits me. I find that my motives and my aims are not fully innocent and honorable, and I am ashamed of this.
--
Some things I have done cannot be made better. I try and fix what I can, but not everything is fixable. There are something you can't go back from; there are some things you can't make better. And what do we do with these things? We leave them. We shove them in the backs of our minds and let them smolder and burn us every time we reach into those dark corners and find it still there. Those painful memories and deeds still hurt, and there's nothing you can do about them.
How do you fight monsters that don't exist except in your mind? How do you try and fix problems that everyone else has forgotten? Why do you remember, when everyone else has let it go?? And if everyone else has left it in the past, then why do you remember? What is the point of this pain and regret? Does it mean that you shouldn't remember? Does it mean that you are silly, that your thoughts and feelings are stupid and that everyone else is better than you because they don't feel the pain of these wounds?
Why is it you that still remembers? Why is it you that cannot forgive and forget? And why is it yourself that you cannot forgive, yet you forgive the actions and words of others who have hurt you worse? Do the things you do to hurt yourself actually matter more than that of outsiders? Do the blows that you strike upon yourself take harder, if only because you inflict them upon your own skin, your own body?
And if that is the case - if self-inflicted pain is the worst of all - how do you avoid it? Is it unavoidable? Is it only left to fate whether your past haunts you and your future taunts you? Do your actions now mean nothing, if the past is still there? If no one remembers what actually happened, but they still judge you for it? Those lingering feelings, and those unsure thoughts about if you're actually a better person, if you're actually not a backstabbing who-knows-what.
And we don't know. We don't know any of it. We don't know how people actually think of us. So what do we do? We bite our nails and hope that our actions then don't affect our status now.
--
Maybe I don't know anything. Maybe I'm just spouting nonsense.
But I do know this.
Mistakes you make are made because of your reactions to others. It's not what they do that creates the problem. It's what you do because of - or in spite of - their actions. Their words, their actions, their feelings, are all null and void if you don't fall for the trap. If you don't take the plunge.
So don't do that. Don't fall into the abyss. Because it's like quicksand. The more you move and try to fix it the worse it'll become. If you just lay there...you'll float.

-Sarah

Cold

2008-07-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

the cold
it seeps into my bones
and I can't breath
for it's holding me
in its icy grip
like my fear
it has a hold
on my thoughts
and my actions
and the cold
chills me
so I can't feel
what you feel
but I try anyway
because it's the only thing to do
and maybe it'll get better
the frost will melt
and my heart will warm
but for now I'm frozen
in this icy sea

I float in the abyss
not ready to sink
but not ready to fly
it's obvious I'm scared
but I'm too cold to care
and again it chills me
it sinks in
so cold it's hot
and although I'm frozen
I'm not numb
my mind is sharp
all the details stand out
my mind is a crystal
and I see all the faucets
some are murky
with darkness and confusion
but most are clear
and I know
what I have to do

I have to clean up the mess
I've left in my mind
clear the clutter
and focus
the cold helps me
I freeze in motion
my life keeps turning
but my heart is frozen in place
can you help me?
will you free me
from this prison?
I need your help
to get there
and no one else will do
you'd better hurry up
the cold is creeping in
soon it will take over
and then we'll be undone

so if you're going to come
then hurry up and save me
there's not much I can do
so it's all up to you now

and if the cold does catch me
I suppose that's okay
I'll survive, I'll be fine
just a little chilly

Choking

2008-07-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

((this isn't finished, and I might add to it later, but here it is so far...))

your words

they choke me

I feel your hands

surround my neck

and they choke me

they take my life

I cannot cry out

and you don't care

I want to fight back

but I do not care

The process is painless

if I just let go

release is so easy

when you choke me

Why don't you free me?

the pressure is so great

it pushes down upon me

and burns my skin

The marks are searing

and don't go away

yeah, I don't know where to go now...

Storms - Song

2008-07-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

Storms

A storm is raging

a storm of emotions

the lyrics, they waver

and I need stability

it's clear above the clouds

but they go on forever

and the lightning strikes in between

the storm does not settle

it goes on forever

the way I escape is for only tonight

I only have one chance

to make it right

the storm is my cause

my burden to carry

no one can help

I just ask you be wary

of my roiling emotions

they're not for the

faint of heart

try and prove me wrong

and see the lightning strike

Revisit to the last poem thing

2008-07-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

Why should I

care what you think

Why should I

stay around and sink

in this abyss of

smiles and kisses

your tender loving kisses

and god knows I miss it

your beautiful sweet kisses...

Really long Poem/Song/Thing about rain and feelings and stuff

2008-07-08T18:46:00.000-07:00

The rain, it patters on my shoulder
as I listen for you
the wind, it is my shelter
as my sould yearns for you
my heart, it shatters as I hear the news
too much for you

When did you decide to let me go
how did you expect me to know
my heart can't answer silent pleas
the world is empty - I can't see

the rain as it glistens
mix my tears
it streams down my face
I don't fear
anymore

Why should I
care what you think?
why should I
stay around and sink
in this abyss of your
smiles and kisses
as it drowns my
inner being
my soul tears apart
your words fade
and all I can hear
is your lies and
guilty pleasure
all I feel is your
pressuring stare
I can't take what
you try to throw at me
all this is
is my, all this is,
is my, all this is
is my
heat, passion and fury
my lack of care
anymore
I can't take what
you throw at me
I can't catch
your piles of shit
for you
anymore

Not Sure What This Tune Is...

2008-07-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

You got the songs about staying best friends
you got the songs about silly social trends
you got songs about everything
...so what do I sing?
I sing songs about
life, love, pursuit of happiness
fun, sun, and all the rest
I've got so much to sing
I guess I'll just sing about everything!

--

wow. I just threw up a little. This is why I write emo poetry.

Ooh! Switch Up! It's a SONG!

2008-07-08T07:29:00.002-07:00

Wrote a song last night...eh...

I'm so sick, so sick of knowing you

so sick, not much else I can do

so sick, so sick of trusting you

so sick, oh how can I chose

You were my friend

you were my pal

you were my suicide hotline, oh

you've got my back

you tried so hard to be

all that I needed

But there's no way

for us to be at all

no way can I do this all

what you want is too much

for me right now

too much, too much, too much,

I need it!

I'm not sure where it goes from there. I think I fell asleep after that.

-Sarah

Yet Another Unnamed Emo Poem

2008-07-08T07:29:00.001-07:00

I’m sitting here
In the bright sunlight
How can I be so sad
Yet live in this sunshiny world?
When you get depressed
Aren’t the skies supposed to turn grey?
Everyone shares your pain
And the world turns ashen?
What happened to empathy
And living with the guilt?
How am I the only one suffering?
Am I really just overreacting?
Do I really just see attention?
If this is me pretending
Then what am I when I’m real?

I know I’m not a faker
So why do they say I lie
Is it really possible that they don’t know
Or am I just not showing what I feel?
Whose fault is it
That I’m this way
Or is it no ones at all?
Is it possible not to lay blame
And for things to just happen?
Or are we avoiding the subject
Because we’re cowards?

My thoughts turn over in my head
Oh look, the sky’s turned grey
I guess I’ve got my sad world now
Are you happy for me?

-Sarah

Random Emo-Or-Not Poem

2008-07-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

You say that I write emo poetry
well that may be true - tell me, what do you see?
I see a girl with no lack of sadness or agression
afraid to be loved but don't like possesion
I see a boy who's got eyes for one thing
he sees a good girl and gives her a ring
he's got the eyes and passion so she says okay
but once it happens it'll never go away
so she'll sit with the guilt and the worry and fear
she's lost everything that she once held dear.
the rhymes may be right but the heart is so wrong
how can it be in love when it sings that sad son?
is that all love is - a sorry dance or a jig?
or is there no love, only a sick, sexist pig
who steals your life and love and laughter
who won't let you be happy, not then or hereafter?
it it really that simple, or do we have a hope?
is there such a chance, or is it all just a joke?
it can't be that simple, when it's all said and done
or there's no point of the laughter, the love, and the fun.
I guess I'll find out, someday soon or someday later
and until that happens I'll say he's just a hater. ;D

--

It's kind of random and nonsensical, and a bit ghetto here and there, but I was high off cold meds last night and wrote a poem, so...here it is.

-Sarah

Complications - Poem

2008-07-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

Uh, okay, this really isn't about anyone in particular...It kind of started out like that but then I'm not sure where it went from there...feedback rocks!

Complications

Would you be offended
If we were going too fast?
if the adrenaline rush
was steering off path?

Would you be annoyed
if I had to wait?
If I didn't know yet
if I wanted to date?

And what if I say
that I don't want you back?
If I turn this around,
if I go off-track?

Would you still like me
if I just wanted to be friends?
Do we have to be typical?
Why follow social trends?

And if I just want a hug
would you take it badly?
Will you be nice
or will I leave sadly?

And can we go to the movies
without making out?
Can we just sit in
if I want to sit out?

And what will happen
with the pressure from others?
Will you still be mature
or make jokes about mothers?

Can I trust you to be
a faithful friend?
or will you be bitter
and make this the end?

If I made a mistake
and want to be done
can we still be cool?
Can we still have fun?

And if I wanted to stop
before it even began
would you call me a coward
and say that I ran?

And if I'm inexperienced
and you wanted to know
would you laugh in my face?
Would you let it show?

Can I be open
but not get hurt?
Can you be brief
but not be curt?

Would you cut me off
if I'm not al in?
I have so much to say -
where do I begin?

My feelings are jumbled
but one and the same
I'm sick of this pointless
silly old game

I suppose when I'm ready
I'll let you know.
But until that happens
don't make us a show.

Don't make us an object
of public display
don't laugh but don't pity
my hurt and dismay.

I'll be fine, I swear it
I can move on.
It may take some time
but it's darkest before dawn.

-Sarah