High School

High school is no walk in the park. It's not simple. It's not easy. It's not something you can brush off, or do on a whim. It's not middle school. If you fuck up high school, you fuck up your life.

I'm not in a good place right now. I have dreams. And I've had to sacrifice so many of them because I can't accomplish the simplest tasks. Homework is not a choice. Failing tests is not a option. You don't get to do that if you want to succeed. I guess I don't want to succeed, since I'm not doing my homework and I'm failing my tests. D's are still failures. They aren't F's, but they aren't A's. And they aren't B's or C's.

My dream of an academic honor's diploma is gone. It's not happening. I've accepted that and I'm now trying to move on as best as I can with that knowledge. I'm probably not going to be section leader, and I really wish I could say I have some seat of power in Mystiques, but I don't. I'm not in 3PT, and everyone seems to be accomplishing the things that I can't. Except for my brother. But he's in his own mess now.

I suppose now would be the time to cease with this little pity party, but I have a couple more days to wallow in misery before I have to start actually being responsible. I wish I had a role model. I wish I had someone who understood my situation from my perspective and could help me. But there's no manuel for high school. Everybody talks about all that "making friends/staying true to yourself" bullshit. But that's not what I'm struggling with. I know who I am. Apparently not very many people like it. I used to, but now I'm not really liking it either.

So I guess it's time for a life change. They're liars, you know. The hardest part isn't changing, it's sticking to it. But I'll do my best. I have my boyfriend by my side. I hope I'll have others, but at this point I'm not counting on it. If I want to do this it has to be me, because apparently I can't count on anyone to help me make this happen. Mom? Sorry, but your lackluster and hard-headed support is no help to me. I'm sorry you fucked up your first child, but I won't let you do that to me. I'm sorry it took you this long to understand that you were doing something wrong, but I'll try and fix the mistakes you made. Please don't stand in my way.

Everyone else? Fuck you. I'm so tired of drama, and I'm so tired of having to be fake. I don't LIKE people. I don't like being social and I don't like passing friendships and I don't like large groups and I don't like cliques. I don't like people talking during my TV shows and I don't like people interrupting me when I'm reading. I don't like your judgmental looks or the passing glances you give me because you don't think it's worth it to say hi. I know you talk about me behind my back, and I think it's pathetic that you waste your time complaining about me. I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not. Because that's all I've been doing. I've tried to fit into social groups that don't want me there, and I've tried to arrange large group deals. But no one wants me to do it, so I'll stop trying. I'll get over that ache in my stomach at the sight of all the happy photo albums on facebook, and I'll pull my mind away from all the memories from afar. I haven't figured out who I am quite yet, but I know I'm not you, and it's time to start facing that. Whatever my problems are, you don't appreciated them or care about them, so I'll stop trying.

I wish I could go away like Sam and just not see people for a while. Just escape and figure things out and not have to deal with people. That's not going to happen, so I hope I can find a safe place here in this chaos.

I suppose this is done.

p.s. I hate you, Bailey. I just needed to put that out there.

Avatar

Best. Movie. Ever.
I don't even have the words. I'm practically speechless. The English language does not have the words to describe this movie. Some say it's alright...they're wrong. It's fantastic. amazing. astounding. I cried, so so hard. I...well, I didn't laugh. But I definitely fell in love. Fell in love with the characters, with the world. It was one of the best movies I've ever seen.
Go see it. Love it. Then go see it again.

Quick - Think!

Aside from the obvious irritation created by my complete lack of ability to cope with most remotely difficult situations, I seem to be functioning fairly well lately. I have a boyfriend of two weeks that I haven't broken up with yet, and - oh shit! no! the thoughts are starting! the NEGATIVITY BEGINS! I thought I had longer! I thought I might survive this! oh no! shit!!! shitdamn! Get your life together! FRICK!

...I can't journal right now. it just won't work. nevermind. good-bye.

<3>

Oh, Homework. How You Evade Completion...

See, I should be working on my essay right now. I really should. It's due tomorrow. And worth a hundred points. And I've barely started on it. And yet...I can't bring myself to do it. Mostly because I have absolutely NO idea what to write about. The reasons for Dimmsdale to not have died from atropine poisoning and instead due to a guilty conscience and complete fear of becoming an outcast in his Puritan society simply aren't becoming clear to me.
After all, the secret completely eats at him all the time. He can barely do his work, let alone survive day to day without revealing anything. It would surely be common sense for him to go to the doctor - i.e. Chillingworth - who would then give him medicine. Unfortunately, though, medicine in that time period has rarely been known to work, and despite the desperate wishes of Dimmsdale to have the strength to reveal his adultery, it only comes to him in his last breaths of life. "But he fought back the bodily weakness, and still more the faintness of heart, - that was striving for the mastery with him... he tore away the [robe]. ... It was revealed! ... the minister stood, with a flush of triumph in his face, as one who, in the crisis of acutest pain, had won a victory" (Hawthorn 228). Dimmsdale manages to reveal the terrible brand (or wound or rash or whatever it may be) upon his chest.

...But anywho. Drew is about to show up back here s....oops he's here. O.o

Choose. Make a decision. Prioritize.

These words have haunted me since school began. Parents, teachers, coaches, directors; they've all been telling em to choose.

As if I could.

For those of you that aren't aware of the basics, I'll go ahead and outline everything:

I am currently involved in

• Marching Band (Crimson Rage)
• Show Choir (Mystiques)
• Cross-Country
• Advanced Theatre/Soon-to-Be Musical
• RAC (Reader's Advisory Club) - presidency

This, plus honors/AP classes, adds up to a lot.

Thus far I've done alright at making all of my commitments equally. I've gone to as many practices as physically possible, and kept up almost completely. Unfortunately, though, I'm not a god. I can't do everything.

That concept (of my imperfection, of sorts) was realized to a deeper level when I, for a time, was forced to give up my RAC presidency due to time constraints. Thankfully I've managed to retain the title for a later period, but still; it was a close call.

Unfortunately I've reached another speed bump: the musical. This year we're doing Guys and Dolls. As you may be aware, I want to be a theatre teacher. This means it's absolutely vital that I have as active a roll as possible in the acting community. My commitment to the choral and theatrical departments is priority, above all else.

Looking at the schedule today, I eventually came to the conclusion that, once again,I must make a choice.

I can only do one thing.

Cross-Country, or Guys and Dolls.

I know what I would choose, if I had to. The musical, without a doubt. Yes, that would mean quitting Cross-Country. Remember, though, that I never meant to join XC in the first place. It was completely on a whim. And even though I don't regret joining - the team has taught me more that I can express - I feel like I'm going to have to prioritize.

And it hurts.

On the first bathroom stall in the XC locker rooms there's a quote on the door. It reads

"It's not about how much you do, but how much love you put into what you do."

-Mother Teresa

This is also something that has repeated itself in my mind. It is a constant, and my mantra. So much of our lives are taken up with achieving our goals. Do, do, do. But what if what you're doing isn't something you love? What if you don't even know why you're doing something?

I do what I do to improve myself. To grow. The flower does not grow seeds needlessly - it has a purpose for what it does, and does it for a purpose.

That is what I must do. I know my purpose. Now I must figure out if what I'm doing is contributing to that purpose, or just holding me back.

So many choices to make.

Ah, the Misadventures of K106

So I'm once again forced to delay the completion of my test due to the fact that the geometry pictures won't appear. Brilliant.

But then again, it gives me time to discuss things with you! Huzzah!

For starters, school is starting.

Terrible, I know. It's just the most tragical thing ever.

Except for the part where I get to see all of my wonderful friends! Granted, I get to see all of my horrid enemies, BUT it all sort of evens out in the end.

Next: Rachael. Ew.

Maddie and her are best friends. It's really extremely sickening. She's a stupid cow, and I hate her. And I don't CARE that my mother told me not to trash people on the internet. I usually don't trash people, but she's definitely the exception to the rule. And if she sees this and wants to come kill me? Well she can try, because I'll effing kick her skinny ass.
It's quite special, because now we're writing more than ever about her stupidness, so it's all good.

I must go now, actually, seeing as I should, you know, do my finals...*cough* yes. Alright, then. Toodles!

In the Testing Room

As some of you might be aware (and by some of you I mean my one follower, despite the fact that my phrasing implies mulitiple people. Leave me my small wins) I am currently taking my finals for my summer classes. As you might also be aware, these finals are exordinately (is that even a word?) easy. Like, crazily so. More so than the classes themselves.
I just completed my second IOA Personal Evaluation (or whatever the hell they call it) and it was very amusing. This one was for my geometry teacher, and she was completely inept. I decided to go all out sardonic bitch at them, and definitely had fun doing it. I should've gotten the Q/A for you. Simply hilarious.
ooooooh! But I can go back! Here, I'll copy it out for you:

1.
The course was well organized.

The lessons themselves were very well laid out.

2.
The teaching approaches used by the teacher helped me learn the material.

The teacher didn't really contribute much in my learning process. I don't understand the question.

3.
The teacher feedback on my work was timely and helped me learn.

I was forced to wait several days and even call the office at certain points for updates. My mother was quite agitated. Granted, I suppose the teacher was under the assumption that I would email her back once I finished the incomplete assignment, but I was under the impression that she would be on for a large amount of the time - or at least quite frequently - to help me complete my class in a timely manner. I guess we were both mistaken.

4.
I was able to reach my instructor for help if I needed it.

Once again, with the miscommunication. Luckily I managed to retain some intelligence from my 15 years, so I was able to complete most of the course work all by my lonesome.

5.
I would recommend an online course to my friends and family and plan to take another online course if I have the chance or need.

Despite the misfortunes thrust upon me (and my complete lack of motivation for two-thirds of the course time alotted), I always fine online classes quite invigorating. And infinitely easier than the regular classes. Indeed, the repetitive motion of the work we do in class - learning the material then doing mounds of homework on it then relearning again at some other point in time - are quite tiresome and at certain points even cause me to feel seasick. Thank God for online classes in which you have one set of notes, one set of coursework, and one to two tests.

6.
What is the single best aspect of this course?
I believe I just detailed it out in question 10. The simplicity of the course. For further information on my position on the subject please note my answer for this question in my other evaluation, P.E.

7.
What would you like to see changed in this online course?
Once again, I refer you to my other evaluation. Repeating myself is just SO tedious.

8.
Do you have any other comments or suggestions?
Not particularly.

--

I personally thought it was quite brilliant. But maybe that's just me.

Well, I need to go complete my Geometry final now...Eurgh. Lame.

-Sarah